Consistency

Consistency between the households is incredibly important, however, it isn't something we always consider. Our kiddos need and actually crave consistency, especially between our households.

One of the biggest things which needs to be consistent are basic rules. Each parent can handle the situations revolving around the circumstances involving the rules at the time. However, there should be main rules, somewhere around five or so, which travel from one household to the other. That way the kiddos know what is expected, and aren't confused because dad has one set of rules, but mom's rules are completely different.

I like to think of the set of rules as a bridge between the households. It's something that regardless of how my ex and I are relating to one another at the time, the bridge remains for the betterment of the kiddos. It's something they know will still be the same even if things between my ex and I happen to be tense at the time.

Consistency is key. Plus, it helps the kiddos feel more secure during visits with us, the part-time parents. Since they know there are basic rules which are the same between the houses. Also, you shouldn't feel limited to five rules. That's just the number Jack and I have agreed upon because it's enough rules to maintain order and control. Yet, it's also not too many rules for our kiddos to remember.

Keep in mind, simple is usually best.

Love & Support,

Molly-Ann

What hurts the most

There are plenty of things that hurt during a divorce and custody arrangement. I don't deny that. I never will. However, there are certain things which hurt more than others, at least for me. Recently, Jr. made the decision that he did not want to come with my other sons to spend the night, something which happens only every other week. He had a cold.

Could he have come anyway? Yes, he could.
Should we have forced him to go? I'm torn. He didn't feel well, and wanted to stay where he was comfortable. I would never want to force him out of his right to say where he was comfortable while he sick. At the same time, I missed him during the visit. He didn't have a serious illness, which I obviously would never force him to come on the visit. However, part of me wanted to push the issue because he wasn't seriously ill.

He didn't come on the visit, which hurt, a lot. It's something, which I look forward to every other week. I understood why he didn't come. That didn't stop it from hurting me because although he was sick and I understood the reasons, it still hurt me.

I'm learning rather quickly that while the divorce it self hurts. The custody situation, no matter how friendly, hurts. However, having Jr. refuse to visit with me hurts the most.

Love & Support,
Molly-Ann

Remembrance of 9/11

I hope that each of us takes a moment, maybe two, to remember 9/11. Remember how all the lives, the families, our country were forever changed. Because it only takes a moment to bring about change.

 

A List of Ways of Maintaining Contact

Here is a list of the ways of maintaining contact that I have come up with so far.

1. Phone calls
2. Emails
3. Skype/Facetime
4. Make silly videos and text them to your ex to be shown to your children
5. Send cards via old-fashioned snail mail
1. Buy them
2. Make them
1. Make actual folding cards (draw on the front and write a note inside)
2. Use index cards (drawing on the front and write a note on the other side)
6. Send pictures of things you find while out which have special meaning to you and your child(ren) and text them to your ex
7. Saving and showing off gifts (either made or purchased) your children have given you where they can see you during visits
8. Make simple little gifts and mail them in either standard envelopes or bubble envelopes

I hope this list helps you to maintain contact with your child(ren) both in the usual and unusual ways.

If you have any other ideas that you use to keep in contact with your child(ren), I would love to hear them. Leave a comment and let's share our ideas.

Love & Support,

Molly-Ann

Let the Nightmares Begin

When I was going through my first divorce (yup, this is my second time around), I used to have these horrible nightmares of my ex-mother-in-law taking me to court and the court simply gave her custody of all three of my children. Even though she only had a genetic tie to one of them. She only had rights to see one of the three. Yet, she was still given all three of my children.

I've honestly lost track of how many times I've had that nightmare, or some version of it. In fact, I still have this very nightmare to this very day. The custody battle involving AJ was over long ago. It's like a sick, twisted version of PTSD. I hate it. The worst part is when the nightmare morphs into a night terror and I wake up screaming or fighting off a non-existent assailant.

Drawing Credit: rayon2lune.deviantart.com

My current divorce was supposed to be semi-friendly, if such a thing exists. Last night, I had my first nightmare involving this divorce, which I was hoping to avoid this time given that we are trying to go a more positive route. I don't remember the exact details of the nightmare. All I remember is waking up terrified of losing my children and never seeing them again. If it hadn't been 2 o'clock in the morning I would have called my children simply to hear their voices. It's bad enough that I was unable to go back to sleep for two or three hours because I was afraid to go back to sleep. I was afraid the nightmare would begin again. My body finally won out at 4 o'clock AM and I fell asleep in the position I was in once my body quit and gave in.

I had sincerely hoped that I wouldn't have dreams or nightmares this time around. The details of the relationship and the divorce are different. I truly had hope. Looks like it was wasted hope because the whole cycle has begun again.

I don't know if the rest of you have had similar experiences, but I'd love to hear about them. It would be so nice to know I'm not alone with this bizarre side effect to divorce, and perhaps we could support each other through this difficult time.

Love & Support,
Molly-Ann