Consistency

Consistency between the households is incredibly important, however, it isn't something we always consider. Our kiddos need and actually crave consistency, especially between our households.

One of the biggest things which needs to be consistent are basic rules. Each parent can handle the situations revolving around the circumstances involving the rules at the time. However, there should be main rules, somewhere around five or so, which travel from one household to the other. That way the kiddos know what is expected, and aren't confused because dad has one set of rules, but mom's rules are completely different.

I like to think of the set of rules as a bridge between the households. It's something that regardless of how my ex and I are relating to one another at the time, the bridge remains for the betterment of the kiddos. It's something they know will still be the same even if things between my ex and I happen to be tense at the time.

Consistency is key. Plus, it helps the kiddos feel more secure during visits with us, the part-time parents. Since they know there are basic rules which are the same between the houses. Also, you shouldn't feel limited to five rules. That's just the number Jack and I have agreed upon because it's enough rules to maintain order and control. Yet, it's also not too many rules for our kiddos to remember.

Keep in mind, simple is usually best.

Love & Support,

Molly-Ann

Surviving Shared School Functions

Having to share the same space and time with your ex is never easy, unless of course you are one of the lucky ones who has a very positive relationship with your ex. Not only do you have to find a way to share the same space and time with your ex, someone you with whom you aren't necessarily getting along. You also have to find a way to share your time with your children. While you engage with your one another in general, sharing time with your ex can seem an insurmountable task. It is possible.

Firstly, do everything in your own power to keep things at least civil. Aim for friendly and light if you can. Even if your ex doesn't seem open to this. Take the high road here, which I know will be difficult. Don't ignore your ex. Simply attempt to be civil, friendly if you are able to manage. If at any time you are with your ex during the functions simply aim to treat him as friendly as possible. If you absolutely have to aim to treat him as any acquaintance you don't know very well. Be nice. Be civil. Be cordial. Try to keep it from getting awkward.

Try and include your ex, or at least attempt to find a way to share the time between the two of you. I know it's difficult to accomplish this. Trust me, I know. I also fail miserably with this. Try and offer your ex to spend time to your child(ren), essentially trading space with one another. Perhaps if you have more than one child you could trade off at some point. You spend time with your oldest, while he spends time with your youngest. Then at some point, some how you swap places. That way you are both able to spend time with each of your children.

I know it's not fun. I know it isn't the ideal situation, however, it is possible to survive shared school functions with your ex. It simply takes a little work and, unfortunately, a whole lot of self restraint.

Love & Support,
Molly-Ann

What hurts the most

There are plenty of things that hurt during a divorce and custody arrangement. I don't deny that. I never will. However, there are certain things which hurt more than others, at least for me. Recently, Jr. made the decision that he did not want to come with my other sons to spend the night, something which happens only every other week. He had a cold.

Could he have come anyway? Yes, he could.
Should we have forced him to go? I'm torn. He didn't feel well, and wanted to stay where he was comfortable. I would never want to force him out of his right to say where he was comfortable while he sick. At the same time, I missed him during the visit. He didn't have a serious illness, which I obviously would never force him to come on the visit. However, part of me wanted to push the issue because he wasn't seriously ill.

He didn't come on the visit, which hurt, a lot. It's something, which I look forward to every other week. I understood why he didn't come. That didn't stop it from hurting me because although he was sick and I understood the reasons, it still hurt me.

I'm learning rather quickly that while the divorce it self hurts. The custody situation, no matter how friendly, hurts. However, having Jr. refuse to visit with me hurts the most.

Love & Support,
Molly-Ann

Methods of Maintaining Contact with Your Children

I am by no means a perfect part-time mama, not by any stretch of the imagination. I don't contact my kids nearly as much I should. I know that I'm wrong. This is something I'm trying desperately to correct, although it's still not nearly often enough.

I call when I can. Even if that means I need to set alarms on my cell phone to remind me, and yes, I know how sad that sounds.

I have a difficult time when it comes to the usual methods of contact. We can't Skype. My children don't check or read their email, so there goes that method. To try and keep in touch when I don’t see my kids I've gotten creative. 

I make the silly little videos and text them to my ex-husband for him to show them, which is something my children love.

I send cards. Sometimes it's one card and I put 3 three separate, special notes to each of them inside the card. I actually mail to them using old fashioned snail mail. What child doesn't love to reveive mail, right? Sometimes I fill the cards with the confetti you get for the tables at parties. You'd be surprised how exciting it is as a child to not only get mail, but for it to be from Mama and sometimes confetti falls out. Other times I'll put in stickers, always the same three stickers so there isnt any fighting over who gets what. After all, the communication is about my children. Not tormenting my ex. Mine love receiving snail mail!

At times, if I can't find a card I like and so, I create my own cards to send to them. Or if you'd like index cards work really well. They are easily accessible and realitively inexpensive. Plus there's the added bonus that you can use white cards or the multi-color cards. Don't forget, they're on sale at most places because of the end of Back to School sales at the moment.

If I come across a silly little picture or even something which has special meaning to us, I will send a picture of it, or the picture itself. Then, again, I send it to my ex to show to my children.

These are the ways I use A List of Maintaining Contact. 

I'd love to hear the ways y'all use the List. I'd also love to hear any ways you've come up with to keep in touch with your child(ren) while you are apart.

Love & Support,
Molly-Ann

A List of Ways of Maintaining Contact

Here is a list of the ways of maintaining contact that I have come up with so far.

1. Phone calls
2. Emails
3. Skype/Facetime
4. Make silly videos and text them to your ex to be shown to your children
5. Send cards via old-fashioned snail mail
1. Buy them
2. Make them
1. Make actual folding cards (draw on the front and write a note inside)
2. Use index cards (drawing on the front and write a note on the other side)
6. Send pictures of things you find while out which have special meaning to you and your child(ren) and text them to your ex
7. Saving and showing off gifts (either made or purchased) your children have given you where they can see you during visits
8. Make simple little gifts and mail them in either standard envelopes or bubble envelopes

I hope this list helps you to maintain contact with your child(ren) both in the usual and unusual ways.

If you have any other ideas that you use to keep in contact with your child(ren), I would love to hear them. Leave a comment and let's share our ideas.

Love & Support,

Molly-Ann